A FRIEND OF mine — let’s call him “Frank” — once told me how another man in his church said something to him that he found deeply offensive. Let’s call the offending brother “Earnest.” Frank didn’t respond angrily to the provocation; in fact, he barely responded at all, keeping his anger to himself. After all, wasn’t that the Christian thing to do?

But his boiling anger settled into a simmering resentment that he carried inside himself for years. At church, Frank avoided Earnest as best he could. Any glimpse of him would open the wound again.

Finally, he decided it was time to confront the man. He reminded Earnest of what he had said, and how offensive and hurtful it had been. Frank, naturally, was hoping for an appropriately repentant apology.

The good news is that he got his apology, and it was sincere. The bad news is that Earnest had no idea what Frank was talking about. He acknowledged that he might have said what Frank said he did, but didn’t remember the incident, and felt fairly certain that he had never intended to say something hurtful.

Frank was stunned. It hadn’t occurred to him that the slight might not have been intentional. All those years of bearing a grudge, he thought; all that wasted energy. What was the point of it all?

Can you identify with that story? Now imagine a church in which a significant but invisible number of people are holding grudges against someone else in the congregation. Is this strictly a personal matter? Or might it in some way affect the congregation as a whole? What if it’s two leaders who are in conflict with each other and refuse to work it out? I guarantee you it will affect the community.

And that’s not as it should be in the body of Christ.

. . .

THE CHURCH IN Colossae had been planted by one of Paul’s associates, a man named Epaphras, and Paul had never visited the church personally. But surely Epaphras had told him of the challenges the church faced, which prompted a letter from the apostle. The difficulties, apparently, were both theological and social. Theologically, the Colossians were tempted to swap a living faith for dead religion, as if being a Christian meant following a host of religious rules. You died to all that, Paul tells them. Why would you want to go backwards? Don’t just try to be religious; aim higher. Set your minds and hearts on heavenly rather than earthly things.

That shift in perspective, in turn, was to have consequences for their moral character and social behavior. They were to treat their earthly nature as dead, including all kinds of disordered desire like lust and greed, but also anger and malice toward others, and what the New International Version translates as “filthy language.” Indeed, Paul explicitly names two ways to misuse the power of words: first, by slandering the reputation of others, and second, by lying to them.

That list of vices introduces a list of virtues the Colossians were to embody instead: compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Again, it isn’t necessary to make fine-grained and absolute distinctions between these character qualities. Paul is describing the character of both God and Jesus, and encouraging the Colossians to grow in spiritual maturity.

To that list of virtues Paul then adds forgiveness:

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Col 3:13, NIV)

The NIV makes this two new sentences, which could be read as Paul ticking off something else on his mental list. But in the Greek, verse 13 is actually a continuation of verse 12. In other words, Paul can be read as telling the Colossians to put on compassion, kindness, and so on, “bearing with each other and forgiving one another” — as if the “bearing” and “forgiving” were practical expressions of the five virtues named.

Why does Paul say this? Remember, Paul tells the Colossians that among them there should be no distinctions between Jew and Greek, circumcised and uncircumcised, or between slave and free; nor is there any place for culturally arrogant slurs like “barbarian” and “Scythian.” I doubt that Paul said this merely as a matter of principle. Instead, I take him as addressing the very real prejudices that were already in play in the congregation, a congregation in which people did in fact have grievances against each other. The word “if” at the beginning of the phrase “if any of you has a grievance,” in other words, isn’t merely hypothetical; it might be better to read that as “whenever anyone has a grievance.”

That word “grievance” is only used this one time in the New Testament. In today’s workplace culture, the word suggests someone following organizational procedures to file a formal complaint. But Paul, of course, is talking about the informal and everyday kind of complaint, where one person finds fault in someone else and blames them for some offense.

In such situations, Paul teaches the Colossians to show compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience by “bearing with each other.” This is not a picture of perfectly serene, unflappable calm. We could translate Paul as saying that the Colossians need to “put up” with each other. This is how they can begin putting aside their anger and malice: Take a breath, people, and learn to tolerate each other.

The same word is used of Jesus in Matthew 17:17. A man brought his demon-possessed son to Jesus after his disciples failed to heal him. “You unbelieving and perverse generation,” Jesus said, “how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you?” Jesus, it seems, was frustrated, annoyed, perhaps even angry.

“Put up with” — that’s the word Paul uses. Some of the Colossians are probably already angry and annoyed at each other, carrying resentment and holding grudges for real or perceived slights. For them, learning to put up with each other is one step in their spiritual growth.

But it’s not the only step. Forgiveness comes next.