What does that popular little proverb mean, exactly? The meaning may seem obvious at first glance, but many have debated it over the years. Some wonder whether “a friend in need” refers to a friend who is in need, or someone who is a friend to you when you are in need. And is the saying meant to end with “indeed” or “in deed”? But the common sense consensus is that the proverb means, “Someone who is a friend to you when you are in need is a true friend.” The corollary is also true: when you are in need, a true friend may be one “in deed,” who demonstrates that friendship in some concrete way.

Of all of the apostle Paul’s letters to churches, Philippians is the warmest. His relationship to the believers in Philippi is special, unique; you can feel the friendship in the tone of the letter. They have been “a friend in need” to Paul, hearing about his imprisonment and personally sending a gift of support via their beloved Epaphroditus.

As we’ve seen, it’s not until the end of the letter that Paul gets around to saying “Thank you” for the gift. But that’s not because he’s rude or lacking in social intelligence. He wants to make sure that the last thing they hear is about their friendship, and that what they hear helps them think of the friendship — and their own generosity! — in the right way.

Part of the challenge has to do with the way friendship was understood in the culture at large. Friendship typically entailed an expectation of reciprocity: I give, you receive; then you give, I receive. Nothing wrong with that in itself. But when matters of pride and ego got involved, that reciprocity turned into the expectation that you would give back in a way that was equal to or better than what I gave you. If you didn’t, I would feel like you owed me.

We still do that, don’t we?

I think, for example, of my grandmother. Whenever she and Grandpa would be invited to a wedding, it was her responsibility to buy the gift. And she had a clear mental calculus for deciding how expensive of a gift to buy: did they come to my daughter’s wedding, and how expensive of a gift did they bring? She explained this to me once as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. I thought to myself, “How do you even remember that?” But she did. It was important to her to buy something just a little bit better, and had no problem giving a cheap gift for someone she viewed as being cheap to her.

That’s not the kind of relationship Paul wanted to have with the Philippians.

Previously, we’ve seen how Paul thanked them for the gift in a way that made sure they understood that he didn’t need to be rescued (Phil 4:10-13). Strengthened by Christ, he has learned to be content in all situations. That doesn’t mean, of course, that he’s not grateful. He rejoices because of the gift, but not because of its monetary value. Rather, he rejoices in the generosity of the giver, and what their gift says about their friendship.

He continues in the same vein in verse 14, making sure they hear his gratitude:

Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles. (Phil 4:14, NIV)

Again, this is very different than saying, “Thanks for the cash — I can really use it.” And the language matters. The word translated as “share in” literally means to “fellowship with.” More importantly, it’s another form of the word he used all the way back at the beginning of the letter:

I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart and, whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God’s grace with me. (Phil 1:3-7, emphasis added)

Paul begins and ends the letter on the same note: the Philippians are his friends and partners in the gospel. Together with Paul, they share in God’s grace, and because of this they willingly reach out to Paul in his time of need. Paul rejoices because this is part of the work that God has begun in them.

The Philippians are Paul’s friends indeed, and friends in deed.

And as we’ll see, they’ve been doing this for some time.