THOUGH WE MIGHT not want to say it aloud, we know that some people are easier to love than others. Ideally, for example, we’d like to say that parents love all their children equally. But what does “equally” mean here? The reality is that some kids are more of a challenge to raise right from the get-go. They’re fussier than their siblings, or get frustrated easily, or are unpredictable in their sleeping and eating habits. The challenges may seem small, but dealing with them 24/7 can sap Mom and Dad’s energy and make it harder for them to be as patient and kind as they would like.

Or perhaps you look forward to getting the whole tribe together at Thanksgiving — but fret about Uncle Harry. Everybody knows he’s going to find something to carp and complain about. No matter what the topic of conversation is, he’ll say something contrary (and frequently uninformed). He’s such a buzzkill that no one really wants to talk to him, and honestly, you wish you didn’t have to invite him. But dutifully, you think to yourself, Oh, well, that’s family for you. I hate it when he spoils the mood for everyone else, and I wish he would change. But inviting him is the right thing to do. The rest is up to him.

If we look at things from Uncle Harry’s point of view, though, it’s a little more complicated than that. Yes, he has his part to play in making things difficult. Yes, things would go more smoothly for everyone if he could learn to lighten up. But to some extent, his attitude and behavior are shaped by what he knows people think of him. He pretends not to notice people rolling their eyes or exchanging silent glances when he speaks. He hears the slight frostiness in what otherwise might sound like a polite and friendly greeting. He sees how quickly people take offense when he hasn’t meant any harm.

Harry wants to be with family, but he feels wary and anxious around them, and comes off as prickly and defensive. In other words, while his unfriendly behavior feeds what others think about him and how they react, their reactions also feed his unfriendliness. It’s a self-perpetuating vicious cycle, a never-ending game that people don’t even know they’re playing. He’s been invited, and he’s in the room with other people, but he feels excluded.

So yes, Uncle Harry is hard to love. But that doesn’t make him intrinsically unlovable. Someone would have to make a commitment to loving him, to shifting their perspective, to seeing him a different light and acting accordingly. It’s not easy, and there are no guarantees how Harry will respond.

But that’s family for you.

THE APOSTLE JOHN, as we’ve seen, speaks to his readers like family. They are his beloved. They are all children of the same Father, and loving the Father means loving each other. And throughout the letter, he repeatedly reminds his readers of the command Jesus gave to his disciples in the Upper Room. It was a night John would never forget. Nor would he forget the words Jesus spoke:

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. (John 15:9-12, NIV)

Jesus had loved his disciples with a godly love, and commanded them to do the same for each other. He said this in love and for the sake of their joy, not to saddle them with guilt. And that, I think, is the perspective with which we need to read what John says next in his letter:

This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. (1 John 5:2-4, NIV)

John repeats himself a lot, and what he writes can sound circular. If we love God, we’ll keep his commands. His command is love one another, to love the children of God. How do we know that we love the children of God? By loving God and keeping his commands. Huh? A professor of logic would have a field day with that.

But John, of course, isn’t writing an essay, he’s writing a letter. He doesn’t have to string out his ideas into a nice straight line. It sounds circular, I think, for two reasons. First, he’s mentioning things that are all tied up with each other simultaneously. Loving God, keeping his commands, and loving each other as God’s children are not separate actions that occur in an orderly sequence, one after the other; they’re organically connected.

Second, the phrase “This is how we know” — or more literally, “By this we know” — sounds like he’s about to give a logical justification. But it’s not the first time he’s used the phrase. In 2:3, for example, John says, “By this we know we have come to know him, if we keep his commandments.” A couple of verses later, referring to Jesus, John says, “By this we know that we are in him: the one claiming to abide in him ought to walk in the same way he walked.” In 4:6, referring to his apostolic authority, he writes: “We are of God. Whoever knows God listens to us; whoever is not from God does not listen to us. By this we know the Spirit of truth and the spirit of falsehood.”

Each time John uses the phrase, in other words, he’s trying to encourage readers who have been confused by recent events, who have had doubts cast on whether they believed the right things or were in right relationship with God. Don’t worry, John is trying to tell them. You’re keeping his commandments. You’re living like Jesus. You’re listening to what I teach. Beloved, you’re fine.

Here in chapter 5 then, when John uses the phrase again, we should probably read it as another word of reassurance. “This is how we know that we love the children of God…” His readers know Jesus’ command; John himself has clearly seen to that. They know they should be loving the children of God. But they may have had doubts about whether they were loving others as they should. After all, some people are harder to love than others. What encouragement could John give?

Just this: that they are being obedient in love. We’ll explore that next.