For those of you who have been following along with my posts on “churchspeak,” this may seem like an odd example. After all, it’s not quite like someone saying, “Let me pray about it” when they have no real intention of seeking God’s input. The phrase “obey your parents” is straight from Scripture and the apostle Paul, who in turn grounds his counsel in the Ten Commandments:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise—“so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” (Eph 6:1-3, NIV)

From Paul straight to Mount Sinai: you can’t get more authoritative than that. So why would I call “obey your parents” an instance of churchspeak?

As with previous examples, churchspeak isn’t about the words themselves, but how the words are used in their social context. Again, there’s nothing wrong with saying “Let me pray about it” if you really intend to seek God’s guidance. It becomes churchspeak when someone asks you to do something, and you use the phrase to dodge the question while sounding pious. It’s like a religious language game with unspoken but implicitly known rules: If I say “Let me pray about it,” you have to stop pushing and let me walk away, or you’ll be the one going against God.

Similarly, “obey your parents” isn’t churchspeak by itself. But it can become that in certain situations.

Here’s a more extreme parallel, to make a point. I know of cases (and you may too) in which abusive husbands have sought to control their wives — often with their pastor’s support! — by citing Ephesians 5:22, “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.” They use Paul’s words to wives as means to their own ends, conveniently bypassing Paul’s counsel to them: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph 5:25), a reference to sacrifice and crucifixion.

They also leave out the words with which Paul introduces the whole section: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph 5:21). Indeed, the verb “submit” is not actually in verse 22; in Paul’s Greek, it’s only in verse 21. You literally cannot understand verse 22 without reading it in the context of verse 21: submission is first and foremost to one another.

The problem, then, isn’t in the words themselves; it’s in taking the words out of context and using them to guilt others into cooperation.

So what about “Obey your parents”? The example was brought to me by someone who has grown up in the East Asian church context, which is typically infused with Confucian values like filial piety, that is, respect or even reverence toward one’s parents, ancestors, and elders. She noted that while youth were regularly reminded of verses like Ephesians 6:1-3, quoted above, the very next verse was usually ignored:

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. (Eph 6:4)

“Exasperate”: the word suggests coming near someone and doing something to provoke them to anger. “Don’t make your kids mad”? That’s a radical thing for Paul to say in the context of the Roman Empire, in which fathers had the authority to punish children severely. Here, Paul isn’t reinforcing the culture, he’s challenging it. Wouldn’t it be ironic, then, to quote Paul in such a way that we sidestepped that countercultural thrust? And lest we forget: Jesus himself was one who welcomed children with open arms and blessed them, to the surprise (and possible consternation) of his closest disciples.

I am Chinese myself, so understand the rule of filial piety. And don’t get me wrong: my use of Ephesians 5:21-25 as a parallel example is not to suggest that it’s abusive to remind children to obey their parents! What I’m after is encouraging us to consider the way biblical, spiritual, or religious language is used for social purposes, often without thinking or considering the implications.

Yes: “obey your parents” is biblical wisdom. At the same time, the words can be selectively used to reinforce the status quo while other, more challenging verses are downplayed or ignored. The older generation (of which I am one) is typically in charge, holds the power, and chooses the Bible verses to be emphasized. What will they choose? What will they not choose?

And in all honesty, why?